Where Does It Go?

What do you think happens to knowledge when we die? What happens to the memories we worked a lifetime to make, the epiphanies that surprised us, the sudden realizations that came from adversities we survived? Most of the time I just careen through life, no real plan, just assuming I'll live through the day. So far, so good. But occasionally I stop and think of my Grandmother, who passed away at 87 yrs old after teaching English for 39 years. In her lifetime, she saw so much. From horses and wagons to moon landings, one room schoolhouses to mega-schools, (whoopins at school=whoopins at home to everything being the teacher's fault), and I am amazed at her ability to adapt so well to so much change. I'm mad if I have to park in an inconvenient spot at the grocery store. Her generation embraced knowledge and change, as does my children's generation. I find myself wondering why? Where does it go? So what if I figure out my blu-ray player or swype texting? Sure the more I know about my job, the more valuable I am (you would think), but when we die, then what? I'm glad I have been able to see the world, both above and below the surface, but I don't want to waste another minute of what's left of my life wasting brain space on inconsequentials. I wish I could will the things I've learned about people and life to my kids, instead of money. But I guess I had that chance when they were growing up. You know, when I didn't know anything yet.

My sweet Grandnugget. My Forever Babylove.

Why Are Children So Judgmental?

So since when did people in their 20's get so damned judgmental? They've barely lived a life, and though some more tragic than others, they don't really have a lot of "life" to use on balance. To listen to them you'd think THEY had experienced the death of their own parents and child, the end of a nearly 30 year marriage to infidelity and humiliation of ridiculous proportion, and the sheer terror of being 55 years old and starting completely over. They are young and their significant other will never cheat on them, their child will never take his own life, their future will never be uncertain and terrifying. It's easy to sit in judgment and say "Sit quietly, stop crying, you're upsetting our lives." The thing is, once our children grow up, we think of them more as friends. Because they are adults. But they aren't really. They will always react as children to us. They will be defiant and argumentative and judgmental, because they can. We have to continue to love them, no matter how heartless they are to us. And we do. But make no mistake, it diminishes them in our hearts. The compassion they would willingly give a stranger or even a co-worker, they wouldn't DREAM of extending to their parents. Until they experience something horrible. And then they will require us to be gentle and comforting, with no memory of the coldness they showed us. And we will. Because we're parents. An

d frankly, that sucks. Sometimes it's just damned tiresome "being the bigger person". Sometimes it would be wonderful to, just for once, say "Yeah? How does THAT feel??"

There's A Storm Coming

Every single awful choice I've ever made involved alcohol. I know this. I go MONTHS without drinking, then one day I just dust off a bottle of wine that I've ignored and royally fuck my life up. Again. Ususally it's just drunk Facebook posts and texts to my ex. But occasionally I involve some poor sweet person in my drama whose only crime was to care about me. I'm as tired of making the apologies as they are of hearing them. I have to fix this in me, before I destroy myself. I don't even know where to start.